Perhaps it’s because I’ve hit 62 and am ‘retiring’ that the mental dwelling on time has somewhat overtaken me. I watched the movie Touching The Void lately; as a matter of fact, I watched it several times. I don’t have a television connection, so rent movies from the library or purchase them from thrifts. The other movie watched, during this same time, that had a similar effect was The Martian, with Matt Damon. Both were epics of survival and the resilience of the human spirit, not to mention the astounding risk some people are willing to take to see just how close they can get to feeling ‘really alive’ and/or to actualize their potential.
So now that I can access my Social Security earnings and relieve my struggle with finances somewhat, my time is freed up and it is hitting me hard, the things I haven’t done that I have always thought I wanted to.
“So, Sarah”, I said to myself, “what is it that you really want to do? Go to Mars? Climb a 20,000+ foot mountain to the summit and walk on the ridge?”
People have been posting their ‘bucket lists’ lately. I don’t envy. I’m not racing with anyone. I usually don’t want the things most other people do. I just want not to have wasted my time. I especially want to feel that I have exercised the full potential of my brain. This is why so long ago I exited the ‘slave labor market’. That is a pure waste of time if you aren’t in a profession you adore. I worked as an Interior Designer and actually did adore the work. What I despised was working for companies that were perpetually trying to find a way to keep ever more of the earnings generated and had no conscience of the distress on their employees that those tactics took. NONE WHATSOEVER. They were never happy with any performance, always demanding and taking more, more, more. Also, it was becoming ever more clear to me what a negative impact on the state of the world the fashions industries have. I was miserable in my complicity. How could I complain if I couldn’t do anything better myself.
Early in my career, I went from a clerical position to a sales position and doubled my income. I was ecstatic. The managers were constantly asking me what was wrong that I wasn’t performing like so and so. There was no peace. No sense of abundance at any level. It gradually stole my soul and by the time I was at my peak, I was completely disillusioned. My body was quitting to behave in a way that I could survive in that environment. I was having headaches all the time, I was lethargic, I was angry. Not unlike the mountaineer, I wanted out of that environment and into a safe place.
Those two movies really had a profound effect on me. I’m sure I come nowhere close to feeling the feelings they might have; nonetheless, I did get the gist. I felt the same kind of trapped the mountaineer did when he found himself in the crevasse. If I stayed in one place, I would surely die; maybe not literally like he would have, but certainly spiritually. I would have felt like I had wasted my life.
All of the possibilities of any positive effects there might be in staying put were exhausted. There were none. To go even farther down in the crevasse was an unknown risk and might have made things worse for him. Taking the risk was the only decision left for the mountain climber with the broken leg because there was no way he could climb up. Leaving the relative security of a job was a great unknown, but it was the only decision left for me to make. And I’m so glad that I did.
To me, there is nothing more fulfilling than to be with nature. Nothing more spiritual or evident of life. I think the mountaineers and the Martian felt the same way. They felt small and vulnerable and it was clear just how much the environments they were in had to be cooperated with and not fought against.
In trying to figure out just what it is that I think I have always wanted to do, it’s become clear that patience is required at this stage of having been let out of the cage, so to speak. I’ve been puttering around doing just what I want to do in a day. I’ve been refusing to take on client work and feeling a little guilty that I’m not being more productive. Indoctrination. Years of being pressured to perform.
It’s so wonderful to be free to commune with things that really matter.
Both of the #WildGirlDoggies were out with me this day inspecting things. They traipsed all over the #SouthFortyTriangle lot and kept looking for a sign that I was heading back because, after all, it was dinner time. As soon as the sign they were looking for presented itself, they headed off together, dancing and doing the dinner wiggle, side by side.
Gertie came back to make sure I was really coming. Little Red-Haired Girl didn’t want to loose her advantage.
LRHG is in front of the only compost bin left on #CompostIsland now; the main one with kitchen scraps that needs to be in the shade. That day, the other bins got redone/moved over to #ContainerGarden. Still some cardboard and debris to be utilized so it appears messy yet. Mess is a constant struggle.
This season of growing has produced very little from annuals. There was good production on the apricot and plum. The pomegranate is still going and has fruit on it that hasn’t cracked, so there may just be some to eat yet. Fingers crossed, knock on wood. The #LittleAnnaApple struggles every year. This year had the most and biggest so far. Most dropped off before completion. The fig tree is full of little fruit currently. I pulled off all the ones it started the season with thinking it still needed time to get established. This is its first year in the ground. It just wants to produce, so I’m letting it have its way.
This crook-neck squash plant is the only one of several to thrive.
This watermelon is round, not sure why as I did not plant a round variety.
Watermelon volunteered in #CompostCorner at the beginning of the season. Many were given away to a friend. Many were transplanted and they are all over #TheCompound in various stages of development.
Things that really matter are living things.
Even though it is yet unclear as to which of ‘the things I’ve always thought I wanted to do’ are actually going to make it onto the bucket list, it is just nice to know that there is now the time and better financial support to even give it the thought it requires.
One thing is perfectly clear. Growing food is an essential activity for this girl’s future. It’s pretty scary thinking of not doing it. So glad there are a few years of practice to build on. Lots to learn. There is time to learn it now.
So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
~ Joni Mitchel, Circle Game
The moral of this story is: Take the risk. Live in the moment. Try to relax. Don’t give up. Be grateful for what you do have.